Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
