Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
