If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
