i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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