what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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