Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
