dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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