No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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