He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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