im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
