walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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