put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize