I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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