if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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