I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize