what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
