dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize