Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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