The maid of honor just puked.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize