If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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