Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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