I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
