I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize