Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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