We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
