Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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