I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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