I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
time to smoke my breakfast
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
