He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
