Cold hands, warm shart.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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