New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
