you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize