Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
