I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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