Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
