I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
