everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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