so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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