we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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