shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
