Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think weed is turning my hair brown
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize