She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
