Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
