apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
