I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
