You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize