Just cropdusted the office
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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