i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
