I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
