I'm lost and stupid without you.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
