I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
