My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
