did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
