Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize