i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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