I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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