Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
