Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
